Mom Guilt: How do you plead?

If you consider a “mother” as a job title, what would the description, expectations and duties include? A range of roles comes to mind such as nutritionist, nurse, chief financial officer, and so on. Each position performed every day with no benefits, no sick time, no paid or even unpaid vacation. Lets focus on just the role of nutritionist. If you were asked if all nutritionists performed their job the exact same way, with the same tools and responsibilities you would say no. It depends on their client, right? Some nutritionists work with diabetic children, others work with athletes, each tailoring their suggestions and recommendations to the needs of those they serve. So why then do so many mothers have a nearly unattainable standard of what it takes to do their job right, and when they fall short of that imagined standard they pile on an incredible amount of “mom guilt”?

I hear it all the time from women who I myself look up to and admire as parents and role models. “I let him eat chicken nuggets for the 4th time this week, I’m such an awful mom.” “I forgot to submit the school picture order in time and now we won’t have her 3rd grade photos, she’ll never forgive me.” “I yelled at him after he begged me to sing Wheels on the Bus for the 11th time in a row, I’m a terrible mother.” (Ok that last one was me, guilty as charged, the bus is out of gas.) In our minds eye we see the perfect mom, whom I usually refer to as the Pinterest Master. She is the antithesis of mom guilt, because she gets it all right, all the time. She makes a tasty, colorful, healthy and ever changing toddler menu so that her child is always excited to eat the newest veggie at mealtime. Her children fall asleep to the sound of her reading nursery rhymes, then she slips out of the room and heads to the dining room table to sort through and organize all the paperwork of life. She even manages to squeeze in 30 minutes on the treadmill and a healthy snack with the hubby. Her children never beg for the same song over and over, because she’s teaching them guitar and piano, they happily write their own music and lyrics.

I’m here to enthusiastically burst the Pinterest Master bubble. She does not exist, even if you know her or even if you think you are her, she’s right up there with the tooth fairy and plugging the USB in correctly the first time you try. Total Myth! All great things take time and all moms get the same 24 hours in a day. So the Pinterest craft with paint, toothpicks and hot glue? Yeah that took her well over an hour to assemble, complete and photograph. Good for her using her hour that way. She didn’t post pictures of her sink though? Or the inside of her dryer or fridge? She made a sacrifice. Something didn’t get done and you don’t know what that was, but maybe you were able to accomplish today what she couldn’t. You can’t be great at everything, everyday. But I bet you were great at one thing.

Maybe your child finally nailed that puzzle you’ve been attempting for weeks because you sat on the floor and dedicated more time than usual to helping her finish. Maybe you sorted through the closets and donated all the outgrown clothes to charity? Maybe you were sick and exhausted but you managed to get hours of snuggles that left your child feeling safe, comforted and confident in his ability to always turn to you when he needs help? Whatever your victory was today, be proud of it. Not all days are created equal, and that’s why you get years and years of opportunity to provide positive and loving memories for your children. I don’t remember every song my parents sang, every meal cooked or trip taken, but the ones I do remember are joyous and comforting. I can’t think of where I encountered this saying, but there’s a quote that’s stuck with me that I always tell the mothers who vocalize their mom guilt to me: “A bad mother usually doesn’t care enough to sit around wondering whether or not she’s a bad mother. So if you bother to ask if you’re a bad mom, you probably aren’t one.” Let’s leave mom guilt back in 2018, ok ladies?