Toddler Parenting Statistics

The following data has been collected and analyzed over a period of approximately 2 years. The legitimacy and accuracy of these claims has not been independently verified by a research institution.

1. Your toddler will require immediate lifesaving assistance after you’ve had approximately 1.4 teaspoons of hot coffee.
2. 12.3% of all toddler sneezes will occur within 6 inches of your open mouth.
3. He/She will cry approximately 9 seconds after you’ve settled comfortably into bed and close your eyes.
4. About 71% of fevers and 66% of related symptoms will disappear shortly after you enter the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office.
5. YouTube video volume and number of cursewords increases proportionately with number of judgemental old women in earshot.
6. 84% of toddlers won’t repeat “Happy Birthday” for a cute video message. The same cohort will repeat you saying “dumb ass” in a crowded grocery store.
7. Roughly 5 in 7 accidental phone calls your toddler makes will be to business or work related contacts.
8. His/Her urge to have a bowel movement will occur as you’re leaving the house after shoes are put on 18% of the time.
9. The Pareto Principle: 80% of all tantrums occur when parents have 20% of their usual energy and patience.
10. When parents are turning around from the kitchen sink or refrigerator, toddler will stand 4-6 centimeters behind them 89% of the time.
11. A toddler produces 46% of their body weight in crumbs and leftover food particles every 3 days.

Any other statistics or laws of parenting I should be aware of? Leave me a comment!